My Amazingly Popular Theory Of Everything
by Adrian Charles Kenyon
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Whoever coined the phrase “fact can be stranger than fiction” has obviously never read anything by me.
Since I was about five years old I've been working on a theory which recently has started to weigh heavily on my shoulders. I was about 8 years old when I came to the conclusion that Nature must hold the key to the ultimate enigmas, as people are full of contradictions and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. For example, our local Baptist minister often gave me the impression that everything was my entire fault, (I sometimes still get that feeling!) but that God loves us all. The minister always seemed to be very angry with us all. It just didn’t make sense. I was told that God had created the World in only 6 days, only a few thousand years ago, but I was also told that fossils I had found in Whitby were millions of years old. As I failed to find anyone who could tell me the correct answer, I decided to launch my own independent enquiry. As the world of fossils had immediately fascinated me and, unfortunately, our local Minister just frightened me, my theory quickly metamorphosed. I started to gather many facts in order to ridicule any Biblical account of history. I loved explaining away miracles with science. I became a proud soldier of Darwin, laughing at Christians for their naivety. But my awe at how nature is such a clever bitch has never stopped growing.
Whilst suffering my mid-life crisis at the age of 22, my theory went through a similar experience (what an amazing coincidence!) I had recently graduated in geological sciences: my head was rather full of information. But worse still, the enormous mental gymnasium I had constructed in order to keep religious ideas firmly in their place was starting to creak ever so slightly. This was mainly due to a whole list of species that simply seemed to be ignoring Darwinism. I will mention some examples later. Soon afterwards I re-named my theory Less Meaninglessness. Rather than it being a U- turn, it gave the possibility that the universe might not be a fluke after all, but this did not necessarily mean that it is meaningful to humans. I still ridiculed religious ideas, but I started to cast my net much wider in my search for information.
I don’t know exactly when a very mathematical looking God crept in to the picture. Maybe God had always been there, but outside of my range of view, which is probably why I’m writing this now and not before. Anyway, as I said, it’s been about thirty-seven years of fascinating research and experiences, and now I think I'm ready to draw some conclusions and move on. I have thought long and hard about whether I should share my theory or just keep quiet, and considerably longer about how I should undertake this considerable task. Lately, my reasoning has been based on the fact that I have got little or nothing to lose by remaining silent, over-serious or incomprehensible (three of my strongest traits).
The main point I want to make is that Mankind’s current understanding of time and space i.e. the nature of the past, present and future is badly flawed to put it mildly. I also intend to explain how Mankind’s viewpoint is a lot better than most other, less fortunate creatures in our universe, and more importantly, how we may revolutionize the understanding of our own, limited perceptions.